Dialog, Bro!

Five Common Benching Mistakes

2010-10-02T20:19:00.000-07:00

Courtesy the guys at EliteFitness. Stuff everyone should know.

My Friday Workout For Your Edification

2010-10-01T13:32:00.001-07:00

Well I finally got a chance to workout alone so I was able to step up the intensity quite a bit. The guy I’ve been working with decided to take the day off. As always I took a one minute between sets. Some inbetween movements, like the side bends, take slightly longer. Here is a sample of what I did:

* Front squats – 3 x failure @ 135lbs + drop sets
- light bike work b/w sets - 1 min
* Chin ups - 3 x failure (13, 8, 6, + a few rest-pause sets at the end)
- Roman chair side bends b/w sets, 3 x 20 with 25lb disc
* Low cable flys 3 x failure @ 80lbs + drop sets
- Lying leg raises b/w sets, 3 x failure with 15lb DB b/w feet
* Inverted rows - 3 x failure + rest-pause sets at end
- Strong bike work b/w sets - 1 min
* Weighted dips - 3 x failure with 15lb DB plus drop set on the dip assist machine
- Weighted crunches b/w sets, 3 x failure @ 70lbs
* Lower back extensions w/ 25lb disc - 3 x failure
- Strong bike work b/w sets - 1 min
* Swiss ball pushups - 3 x failure
- Strong bike work b/w sets - 1 min

I'm definitely tired now. This evening I get to put myself through some agility and explosion drills. Hooray?

Wednesday Night Training

2010-09-30T07:43:00.001-07:00

Here is a sample of the workout I put a friend through last night. I'm sure Camp Gladiator was trembling as I rubbed my sicky training skills with one client all over their faces.

I tried to focus on 3 areas: agility, explosiveness, and stamina. I added some core work and pushups just to push his muscles that much more.

We began with some dynamic stretches:

* Leg swings front to back - 10 swings each leg
* Leg swings side to side - 10 swings each leg
* Exaggerated lunges - 5 each leg

I then had him take a jog around the park, with two 20yd sprints to get that initial burn out of the way.

First up was the high stepping agility drill with a sprint on the back end and push ups at the start.

From the start, sprint to the first cone and high step through. I had him hit one foot per space. After the 6th cone I had him sprint to the last cone, touch it, sprint back then hit BOTH feet per space. Once he got back to the start I had him drop and give me 10 pushups. Repeat this twice for one set, rest 1 minute. We did 3 sets of this.

Next up I had him do alternating leg step-ups (using a bench) for 30 seconds, directly into planks. He did a 12 second hold on each side. One grouping of step ups and planks equals a set. He did 3 sets with only a minimal 5 second break.

After a short break, we got into the fun four cone drill.

Each cones are 10 yards apart. I had him start at the bottom left cone. You start with a crossover run to the cone, then high step/knees to the top, shuffle over, then backpedal back to the point of beginning. I had him do this continuously for 30 seconds followed by 15 jumping jacks. Rest 1 minute. That equals 1 set. We did 3.

After a short break (short meaning 2 minutes) I had him do a circuit of donkey kicks with pushups. There are several variations of the donkey kick. You're essentially in a pushup position, but with one leg in the air (slightly bent, ready to kick) and the other leg ready to spring your back half in the air. One rep consists of springing with the planted foot, and while in the air kicking out with your other foot. I had him do 10 reps on one leg, then drop down and do 5 pushups. I had him immediately do 10 reps on the next leg then 5 more pushups. That constitutes one set. He did 3. If the donkey kick move is confusing (as explained) then hop on youtube. The internet is a wonderful thing. Even moreso than me. Kidding, but seriously I have a sparkling personality.

After this was the 3 cone pro agility drill, or Kobe Bryant drill. I changed it up some.

This is a shuffle drill so make sure your knees are bent (approx. 45*), with your ass out and back arched. Your hands should be up at your sides. Sound like a basketball drill yet? This is killer. You start at the far left cone. From there, explode to the middle cone, and shuffle back to the left. Upon returning to the far left cone, shuffle across to the far right cone. From the far right cone, shuffle to the middle cone and then BACK to the far right cone. From the far right cone, shuffle back over to the far left cone. Repeat this for 20 seconds. Still not clear? Let's number the cones 1-2-3. I'm sure you can figure out which is which. Here is how the numbers look when shuffling:

1-2
2-1
1-3
3-2
2-3
3-1

Make sense? The cones are each 5 yards apart.

At this point he was struggling so I had him do a light jog around the park (.4 miles approx) with 2 sprint intervals. I smiled at the sprints because they were more like a normal stride once he got to the sprint zones.

If any of my two readers have any questions about this just give me a shout. I can clarify/expound as needed, or even berate you senselessly upon request.

Wednesday Compound Workout

2010-09-29T13:46:00.001-07:00

This is what I did today in the gym. Now, when I'm alone I'll circuit train, but lately I've been working with a friend who is trying to get in shape. So, I have to stick with him through the more major lifts. Form and breathing is key. I preach that more than anything. If you can't keep form lifting a big, sexy amount then don't worry about it. You shouldn't be in the gym lifting to impress others anyway.

Warmup (bike, light lifts for all muscle groups which get attacked during the session). I only rest 60 seconds inbetween each set.

* Romanian deadlifts (RDL) - 3 x failure @ 225lbs plus drop sets
* Incline barbell (BB) press - 3 x failure @ 135lbs plus drop sets
* Leg press - 3 x failure @ 540lbs (was pretty sore from Monday so no drop set)
* T-bar rows - 3 x failure @ 115lbs (bar weight not included) plus drop sets
* Slight incline dumbbell (DB) flies - 3 x failure @ 45lbs plus drop sets
* Inverted rows - 3 x failure

Now, I do my primary strength training mid day and I only have an hour or so to do it which is why I drop set everything. I like to get the most out of my limited time. If this night time boot camp teaching gig implodes then I may start back up on my two-a-days. Those get a bit gnarly, though.

I forgot to mention this earlier. I'm 6'4 @ 194lbs.

I Have Blogger ADD

2010-09-29T10:50:00.001-07:00

I’ve decided to take this blog in yet another direction (while keeping the previous themes). You know, since “dialog” is generally all encompassing. What I have not mentioned yet is that I am really into fitness. I’ve trained, per se, all my life for one reason or another. I played college basketball and have been involved in other less manly sports in a competitive manner; however, it wasn’t until about a year and a half ago that I really buckled down and focused on seeing what my body is truly capable of. I spend, at minimum, 3 days a week in the gym. At the most, and this is the most oft occurring scenario, I’m in there 5 days a week. I've never really not been IN shape, but I've never been in this good of shape. Now that I'm at this point I never want to go back to where I was. Pics to come.

I figure I can use this and other various resources to help people in their quest to get in shape, become mentally stronger, focus on a better suited/more realistic goal(s), and/or to improve their athletic performance. I'm not certified (yet), but after spending the better part of a decade and more in various gyms I tend to feel certs are just a tad overrated. More on that later. With that said, feel free to read my advice/entries with as little or as much weight as you like. I don't know everything (I would argue this point with myself to the grave a few years ago) and am always trying to learn and absorb.

I'll try and give personal updates along with detailed information on the miniature boot camps I've started teaching in my neighborhood along with other random info I find interesting.

Activities, Psychedelic Drugs and/or Furs, and Really Bad Facebook Updates

2010-07-02T05:53:00.001-07:00

I've been gone for some several months now on a spiritual journey in and around Myanmar and Hkakabo Razi mountains. Since I've been on such a gnarly mescaline bender I haven't found time to write. Well, that's not entirely true. It's more like I haven't been able to find my fingers. Those bastards have looked like sea snakes, earth worms, and rubber dills for the last 2 months. I am having a small Asian love child type this for me with his elbows.

Since I am unable to write about anything not involving unicorns, communism, and the FBI wire-tapping my string-can phone I've decided to have Javier (Asian love child) post up some really bad Facebook updates. I like Facebook, mostly because it gives people the chance to really flex their intellectual muscle(s) and give us some really profound advice. Then, you get to Like it and your day is automatically wonderful. Today I bring you this, from a girl who is clearly dramacentric, yet a Master of Zen:

"To Love Another Person Is To See The Face of God."

On second thought, perhaps that is a book or movie title since she capped every single word. Regardless, I'm going to go ahead and declare that Facebook status to be UN-AMERICAN!

I'm out for now. The Orc King is returning with whipper snappers and roman candles. Time to show Javier the meaning of being patriotic. Javier, let me see your scrotum (que?!).

THE SPURS LOSE THE PENNANT! THE SPURS LOSE THE PENNANT!

2010-05-10T08:47:00.001-07:00

The Monday following a Spurs sweep is always a very special day for Mavs fans. Why? Because we get to rub it in the collective faces of the evil Spurs empire that they just got swept. Naturally, we completely ignore the irony of the situation and the fact that the Mavs were "upset" in the FIRST round, but that's Dallas for you. We've got so much sports irony to plaster all over your face. After a decade of losing (I mean winning..and losing..I mean..F) it appears the best we, as Mavs fans, can do is shit talk every other team that gets bounced from the playoffs and justify our losses accordingly.

Oh, Dallas. At least we didn't have the opportunity to get embarrassed by this guy:

Things That Make Me Laugh in the Morning - Monday's Today Edition

2010-04-26T09:35:00.001-07:00

I just now got back from McDonald's. I picked up my usual 3 McDoubles and hot fudge sundae. A rather portly fellow followed me onto the elevator. Not only is he portly, he is orca fat. He had with him a footlong turkey on wheat from Subway. How do I know this? From his lengthy conversation with his coworker about calories and this sick new diet he is on. Frankly, I was surprised he was able to say the words wheat, complex carbs, low saturated fat, and low sodium while the delicious aroma of McD's filled his nostrils (which, btw, are the size of my fists). There was just something overly ironic about a thin, in shape guy holding onto McDonald's food for dear life while an ungainly fat man stood behind me with his snooze inducing healthy sub.

There had to be bear fat or something on that sub. No way is that guy going to ever stick to a diet.

More to come, as this is me giving up and signing out for the moment.

Friday Morning Excuse Blog

2010-04-23T05:53:00.001-07:00

Over the course of the last two weeks I've been dealing with a stray rhino destroying my Garden of Eden in my safari-esque backyard. Once I get him to quit stomping out the fire in my poolside firepit I will return to writing epic tales about items which are not epic in the least.

An Old Craiglist Ad - Seriously Buy My Microwave

2010-04-15T06:30:00.001-07:00

This was an actual ad I posted on Craigslist last year (more to the point, 3/30/09). It never sold. So, my rehashing of this old ad is two part:

1. I think it is pretty funny and
2. BUY THIS FREAKING MICROWAVE!

___________________________________________________

http://dallas.craigslist.org/dal/hsh/1097995136.html

Do you have frozen dinners that are just a bit too frozen? Is your outward appearance lacking something to be desired by even the most homely of people? I used to have the same problem, but after a few uses of the Emerson Adonis 900-Watt Microwave I now have HOT FOOD AND RAGING HOTNESS!

“Sir, why are you listing such a valuable item on Craigslist?”

Well, fake question asker person, I shall answer your question with an answer. After several uses I went from being a lanky, self-loathing, p0rn-addicted introvert into a truly certifiable Adonis. FOOD HEATS ITSELF UPON MY ADONIS TOUCH! Why would I need a microwave now?

GOOD QUESTION!

Women come to ME to feel better about themselves (and to tan in my awesome rays of awesome). JUST SO YOU KNOW I’M ALSO PUTTING ALL PERSONAL HYGIENE PRODUCTS UP FOR SALE BECAUSE THEY ARE NO LONGER NEEDED EITHER!

Expensive gym membership? No.

Hard work and proper diet? No.

Rippling six pack abs? Yes.

Biceps that will stop a bank robbery three states over upon being flexed? Yes.

Exorbitant amount of money spent buying a microwave retail? HELL YES!

Want to skip that last step and have hot food and a hot bod for cheap? Want to keep living the American dream by pursuing shortcut after shortcut and then blaming everyone else but yourself for being greedy and a sucker?! THEN BUY THIS EMERSON MICROWAVE NOW! YOURS FOR ONLY $40!

Seriously somebody please by this. I would like to be able to look into a mirror again without breaking down and weeping at my beauty. I’m tired of being harassed for the purchase of my tears as they are now compared to that of Unicorn’s blood and tears of virgin angel. THIS MUST GO! NOW!

Emerson Model MW8997B. Emerson really is ancient Greek for Adonis. No need to look it up. I already did for you. You can trust me because you’re reading this on the internet.

Let's make this transaction quick. I can only be seen in public with less-than-10s for a short period of time before my ego divorces me.

My friend is an incredible artist

2010-04-07T08:30:00.001-07:00

I shall spare you the details, but a dear friend of mine sent me an image for me to use as a new background for my work PC. He is blind in one eye, has no legs or other real motor functions to speak of, and also might suffer from calloused scrotum. Well, there is no "might" there. I'm sure of it. Here is the first image:

I then told him this was unacceptable without color. Color brings happiness to everyone's day, well, except for that asshole who likes to close the blinds in the bathroom. I hate that guy. So, upon me requesting color added to the image, he sends me this:

I love my friends

Tuesday afternoon Friday quick hits

2010-04-06T10:46:00.001-07:00

I keep receiving emails and faxes from readers requesting that I do another Quick Hit segment. I fought them off as long as I could, but now you can see I have clearly caved to the pressure. So, folks. Here you have it: the return of the most controversial bit of literature on the internet

- Today marks the first day in over 6 months that my office has had to dress business casual. This was really depressing up until the point where I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I honestly don’t understand why I do not have 37 wives.

- Last night, Duke successfully ended the burgeoning careers of “witty” Newspaper headline writers everywhere. I mean, it’s pretty easy to come up with miracle Butler headlines: “THE BUTLER DID IT, IN THE ARENA, WITH THE BASKETBALL!” etc. Duke is just an evil empire, so F them.

- Even though Butler lost, you’d think they had won the game by the way everyone has been talking about them. America wanted Butler to win, and Butler failed. Butler is clearly Un-American.

- Quick hitting while thinking “Remember that one time?”

- This guy went to my high school. He may be the most ridiculous human in a Collin County jail right now. Seriously. It is gold. Read and see how long it takes you to go insane.

- Sports radio hosts should NEVER, ever comment on what a man should and should not wear. Guys that wear free t-shirts and jean shorts should not be allowed to give down fashion ultimatums.

- What’s your take on that one show you watched?

- I watched New Moon the other night. It’s not nearly as bad as I expected it to be, but I still laughed a LOT through out. If this gets out my reputation is ruined.

- Minneapolis was just named the #1 most bike friendly city in the United States. I wouldn’t exactly call riding through swarms of mosquitoes fun, but whatever. Portland has already hopped up on their high fixie and taken the role of the pretentious dissident. In other news, I’m on a horse.

- Quick hitting while thinking “Whatever happened to Lisa Nowak’s Depends sponsorship?”

Alright, I’m off to write something for real. In the words of the immortal Joey Lo "Mike Tyson is braver than Obama, because at least Mike Tyson agreed to fight Lennox Lewis. Obama was too cowardly/scared/indifferent to even debate me."

Yes, Joey. I've been shouting that from my huge windowed office cubicle for 10 years now. Obey my pants bat.

Uptown Albertson's Director of Marketing is a genius

2010-03-31T10:56:00.001-07:00

Or, perhaps he is only as good as the leftover items from the "Holidays" aisle. I’m not so sure they got the right vampire to advertise the release of New Moon. Well, unless that’s Bella (Kristen Stewart). Then that makes sense. Of course, I think they’d sell more copies if they used an emo vampire like Edward. Uptown is changing, but it is still predominantly homosexual. Also, those teeth don’t really make sense on any of Stephenie Meyer’s vampires. If I remember correctly, and I do, they sucked blood from wounds caused by cutting, or "self harm." I find it pretty sad that emo emasculation has grown so popular that it has ruined a magnificent creature such as the vampire. Edward truly, truly hates his dad.

You may notice the date on that picture is from awhile ago. Well, I completely forgot I had this stunning photo and only found it in my phone because I was deleting personal semi-nude shots.

"Why would you delete such masterpieces, bro?"

Good question, Anonymous Question Asker. I deleted them to keep everyone sane. If these pictures leaked to the community, Dallas would all of a sudden face a sudden outbreak of inferiority complexes; the likes which have never been seen in our fair burg. Speaking of ridiculously beautiful things, I still have my famous Adonis Microwave. I’ll post the old Craigslist ad for you all to enjoy. Perhaps someone will get tired of being ugly and buy the damn thing.

Size truly matters in the office

2010-03-31T10:26:00.001-07:00

I tried telling the little guy on the right that it is all about the motion in the ocean, but I guess penises and thumbtacks aren’t alike in that regard.

Something that annoys me on Saturdays

2010-03-27T17:17:00.001-07:00

Fleshy orca sized humans, stop talking about counting calories. It's some real Twilight Zone shit.

Back to doing pushups and saving kittens from burning trees for me.

Your Friday pro trip

2010-03-26T12:36:00.001-07:00

If you are in the gym locker room waiting on a shower, and all of a sudden you hear more water draining than usual, move on to the next shower.

We here at DB.BS look out for our valued readers.

Man cards are not manly

2010-03-24T08:50:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning a minute before my alarm went off because I had a dream about not blogging for almost a week. Thank God that was just a dream. I went back to sleep, and woke up 10 seconds later refreshed and ready to blog the day away. On my way to work I heard someone make an off hand reference to the man card and an alarm went off. That woke up the lil Fraggles in my head, and they started turning the gears of brainpower so I could remember why I had set an alarm for “man card.”

And then it came to me. A few weeks ago, on my way to pick up a bottle and sparklers on a gorgeous Saturday, I accidentally turned the station to 105.3 The Fan. This is the most generic, worthless sports radio station our great Metroplex has to offer. I could write a 5 page essay on why The Fan sucks, but you can pretty much sum it up to this: the personalities provide zero worthy content so every show (minus the weekday morning show) is caller / listener driven. I’m not shitting you. They literally throw it to the phones or the “Fan Text” 7 or 8 times in the middle of any given segment; sometimes even interrupting a co-host to do so. On this particular day, the spared affair radio host had some long winded diatribe about the baby sling:

This guy went on and on about how it simply is not manly for someone to carry around their child in a functional manner. All men MUST abide by Neanderthal law and carry their kid. He goes on to say that any man that uses a sling to carry a child should have his man card revoked. PULL THE E-BRAKE! What? Who are you, nerdy radio host on the lowest rated sports station in the metroplex, to revoke a man card? What makes YOU so much more manly than, say, me? Do you think of yourself as a man because you eat a fucking hot dog with your kids on the weekend while watching sports? Are you a man because you play beer league softball? Are you a man because you don’t shave your chest or other frilly metrosexual activities? Are you a man because you’re 40 something and still wear a team’s jersey with your Dockers? Or, are you a man because you have a radio show which provides a certain level of anonymity that allows you to broadcast your stupid rants? Are you a man because you hold the door for your wife? I’d really like to know. This guy even went on to say something ridiculous about how a real Herculean man would never use a sling. For one, Hercules was the strongest man alive. Born a child of Zeus and a peasant woman, he kind of had a leg up in the whole manly department. Oh, and not to mention he had a strong liking for sodomizing young boys. You think I’m making that up? Go ahead and catch up on your Greek / Roman mythology. Loving on little boys was widely accepted in those times. Hercules frequently took advantage of farmer’s sons. Maybe this is why this guy has a weekend show on the The Fail (had to insert it somewhere).

No one pointed this out to him, but men generally carry their child on their hip. The same way many women do it. Isn’t that feminine and gay? Idiot. What makes the sling so unmanly, or “gay”? I think it goes without saying that if you have two hands free you can accomplish much more. You know, you can do manly things like climb a mountain, or stop a bank robbery. If that isn’t manly enough, then you can fingerbang two chicks at the same time. Yes. At the same time (on the dance floor). Can you do that while holding onto your child like a medieval jackass? No. I don’t think so.

Let me ask you this, readers of this highly trafficked site: What makes a man a man, and upon achieving true Man status are you then given a free pass to revoke one’s man card at any given moment? Unless you’re Simo Häyhä or Travis Henry, I don’t think you have that right.

Puttin' suburban white women in the workplace on blast

2010-03-17T09:39:00.001-07:00

Let’s put the middle aged white female on blast for a moment. One of my biggest pet peeves with that demographic (besides their Mervyn’s pant suits) is how they talk to other women. How so? Well, by constantly referring to other females as “girl” and “girlfriend”. It drives me up the wall. Is there some sort of magical hip persona altering device on the front doors of office buildings? 40 year old mama pulls up in her super sick minivan, exits the vehicle with grace which rivals that of a paralyzed blind person (no offense to the handicap), yet once she walks through those front doors she is the coolest cat to ever wear cotton panties.

Offender 1: “Hey, girl! Love that nylon track suit uh-huhhhh. Looks so good. Love that paisley print! Where did you get it?”

Offender 2: “Kohl’s. They have a great sale going on. Deals are so hot!”

Offender 1: “Oh, honey! I gotta swing by there, but I have to take Dana to soccer practice, Josh to marching band, Bella to recital, Ashley to karate, Billy is sick, Tiffany has a Girl Scout Cookie sale, and then I need to go to Michael’s for paint pens!”

Offender 2: “Girlfriend, it’s Kohl’s! They always have good prices. Get in where you fit in!”

[ed: I expect compensation for all of the Kohl’s plugs]

Come ON. I also get bothered by the “So, last night my girlfriend and I…” Why can’t you just say “My friend and I…”? It’s almost as annoying when someone is telling a story and they feel the need to let everyone know the subject is a black person, or Mexican. It’s just not needed.

So, overly plain looking white woman who wears the Cindy Crawford collection, I’m putting you on blast. Your perm and dialog makes you about as cool and acceptable as a guido in the deep south.

Quick hits, your graphic free edition because work filters are lame

2010-03-11T14:17:00.001-08:00

Today in quick hits we’ll cover a broad range of topics. I’ll start with abortion and end with zygocephalum. For those that care, zygocephalum is an inaccurate measure of land. How was it measured? Well, zygocephalum is the amount of land a yolk of oxen can plow in a day’s work. Wait. I said I’d end with zygocephalum. Guess that wraps up quick hits for today, folks. Or not.

* At times, the sheer ridiculousness of how my client conducts business reminds me of that one time I thought it would be funny to put my balls in a mouse trap. Now, I never had the “balls” to follow through, but it would have been excruciatingly painful and embarrassing (since it would end up on youtube). That sums up my client’s internal procedures: painful and embarrassing. Nobody knows who handles what, which department to go to for an answer on any given subject, and it doesn’t appear that they care. Then I have to go off and explain to all their vendors and my higher ups why [insert issue here] has yet to be resolved. There is probably a reason for this, but if I say it then the whistle will be blown on which bank / lending institution it is.

* Pro tip inside the quick hit: Do you suffer from “wrist splints”? You know, the ungodly pain you get in your wrist flexors while curling (with dumbbells, not the super sicky winter sport)? Well, I spoke with a trainer today and apparently there is a fix. You’re essentially doing the opposite of what a grip strength trainer does. Put all your fingers together (thumb included), wrap a few rubber bands around them, and open up your hand. Repeat. It is sort of like making an alligator mouth for shadow puppets.

* Speaking of shadow puppets, I used to do a killer one when I was a kid. I think it was a brontosaurus.

* The Mavs are on a 13 game win streak, but still taking heat from the national media because they are just barely winning these games. Dear, national media: we know you all are completely jaded towards Dallas, but remember they are only suiting up 3 players now because of all the injuries. They actually beat the Nets last night with 3 ½ (Barea was on the bench..not dressed).

* Why do employees try so hard to sound smarter than they really are in emails? I think this is due to something akin to the Butterfly Effect, but in the office place. We’ll call it “The Work Filter Effect”. Sentence pre-work filter: “Can you tell me who…” After throwing that sentence through the evil work filter: “May you please advice who…” Huh. I’m starting a collection of my favorite bastardized questions. Clearly I’ll work on the filter’s name, because that is lame. Lois Lame. Back to timeout for me…

* Saw something funny during a competitive eating bit. The guy MCing the Wing challenge made reference to the “Tina Fey Effect”, which in a sense means the wings at first are not hot, but they get hotter and hotter. I assume I don’t have to explain that further. That’s also what I call the “Dim Lighting and Lack of Real Hot Ass in the Workplace Because We Don’t Work for Twin Peaks Effect.” Or, DLALORHAITWBWDWFTPE. Write that down, and someone please make a wiki entry for me. To put this in perspective, I once worked from home for a year straight. At first, I thought my bedside table was the ugliest piece of furniture in my room. After a year, you could find splinters all around my groin region.

* Skip Bayless may be one of the most obnoxious human beings in America, but his brother Rick Bayless is my favorite chef. I suggest you check out his kitchens (if in Chicago – Frontera) and his cookbooks.

* Movies showing people making love in water just drive me batty, because I tried that once with dire consequences. F you, Hollywood!

* Quick hitting while thinking “What ever happened to Hitler?” Can someone fill me in on that one?

* Why do cycling activists try so hard to get people on bikes then turn around and act like pretentious jackasses when a new person shows interest in taking up their hobby / sport?

* The apocalypse will be upon us once I receive a work related email which uses the word “hella”

Live blogging my weekly conference call proves I'm a solid employee

2010-03-10T10:13:00.001-08:00

Each week I have a painfully long conference call with the client. Several of my higher ups are on the call. Since I’m one of the liaisons I generally have to talk a lot. I don’t always pay close attention, so I figure live blogging during the call will really help me listen to what’s going on! The following will be the most stunning "minutes" you have ever read:

10:58am The moderator has not yet started the meeting. If you’re the moderator, please enter your pin now. Hit the star key before and after. The moderator has not yet started the meeting. If you’re the moderator, please enter your pin now. Hit the star key before and after. The moderator has not yet started the meeting. If you’re the moderator, please enter your pin now. Hit the star key before and after. The moderator has not yet started the meeting. If you’re the moderator, please enter your pin now. Hit the star key before and after. The moderator has not yet started the meeting. If you’re the moderator, please enter your pin now. Hit the star key before and after.

10:59am The moderator has not yet started the meeting. If you’re the moderator, please enter your pin now. Hit the star key before and after. The moderator has not yet started the meeting. If you’re the moderator, please enter yo…the moderator has entered the meeting. *insert generic good mornings here*

11:00am You know, at least we don’t do roll call on these. Everyone generally says “Hey, it’s Timmy Twotimer” or whatever and that’s it. Roll call is a beating.

11:01am Just pulled out my iPhone to get a sweet game of Flight Control going. For those not in the know, you have to land 4 different types of aircraft in the game. Jet liners, jumbo jets, prop planes and helicopters.

11:02am What the F? It says my high score is 21. I could have sworn I’ve breached the 100 mark.

11:04amClose call there. Almost had a prop plane crop dust a helicopter because I thought I had heard my name.

11:05am A buyer apparently offered my client an irrevocable offer. Right. Submit that offer to me and we’ll see how irrevocable that is. BTW, how much is that word worth in Words with Friends?

11:07am I know hindsight is 20/20, but for the life of me I can’t understand why I had to sleep with a blankie until I was 27. I know this is a pretty common occurrence, but it just doesn’t seem right to me. Kissing a blanket goodnight isn’t strange. Right? Please say yes.

11:08am HEYOOOOOO 76 landed. Suck on that, al-Qaeda!

11:10am I heard my name! Must respond..must respond..must respond. What should I say?

11:11am Okay I’m supposed to follow up with an attorney on some lame nunc pro tunc motion. In layman’s terms, that means “now for then.” Just a document that replaces some errant information on a previously filed security instrument. I was hoping they’d finally give me my shot at litigating something.  <- professional use of emoticon. 11:12am Unpaused the game and immediately crashed a jumbo jet into Uranus, more commonly referred to as Youranus, or “helicopter”. It’ll take some time to find the black boxes from that one. Ouch. My heart goes out to the families involved. I’ll shoot an email to the Pope to make sure everyone gets into heaven, minus the terrorist that crashed the plane into the chopper.

11:13am I just randomly interjected with an “I concur.” For some reason I have “Catch Me If You Can” on the brain. Unfortunately I said it right in the middle of someone talking about their dog dying. WEIRD.

11:13am Quick follow up – okay so no one’s dog was dying, but I did “concur” with dead air. I need to pay closer attention and stop doing this.

11:14am Had to put my phone on mute so I could laugh. Received an intentionally naughty email from a coworker. Making normal sentences dirty is a favorite pastime of mine.

11:16am I don’t think I mentioned this before, but I do not have a headset and my client doesn’t want me to use speaker phone. They feel I’m big timing them too much with my fancy words and apparently the speaker phone makes me sound like a Stormtrooper. Nothing wrong with an educated Stormtrooper, is there? Neck ‘crick’ setting in.

11:19am Switched the receiver to my left ear. It’s so weird. Everyone sounds entirely different and I don’t like it. It’s like going from AM radio to FM. It’s like morse code and smoke signals.

11:21am A reader just asked for an update on my Flight Control score. Ever since my last crash, which was so bad that not even someone of Chesley Sullenburger’s skill could save it, I haven’t had the heart to give it another go. The loss is still too fresh. The pain too new. Too real.

11:27am I think I shall name the shopping center next door “Discount Dubai.” Frankly, I can’t think of anything better at the moment and the place is full of absolute shopping gems. We have a Big Lots, Target, AND Ross. What’s that? You want a Rainbow and Payless? YOU GOT IT! Clearly this place caters to successful people.

11:29am Switched the receiver back to my right ear. Back to AM radio and the common man. Begin forming matching neck crick on other side.

11:30am Am I the only one that loves when the sun shines through storm clouds? Well, that’s not happening right now. I still like it, though.

11:33am My name hasn’t been called since the 11:10am mark.

11:37am Just woke up after a 4 minute nap. Sucks. I was bulletproof for 4 minutes. Now I’m a mere mortal again (or am I?).

11:38am Someone just said “equitable subrogation.” Use that in a sentence while ordering in the drive-thru today.

11:40am First generic over laughter of the call! 40 minutes in! A new record. All it took was for someone to say “I guess they’ve started Spring Break early out there, huh?” That is comedy gold.

11:41am Good God. “ETA” has been thrown around with such reckless abandon. I’d like for someone to give me an ETA for the ending of this call.

11:43am Pro tip: Do NOT take two fish oil caps (1200mg) at once. Each time I burp I’m reminded of that orangutan I went down on back in ‘Nam. BTW, google “orangutan”. See the first few image results? My face is the polar opposite right now.

11:44am This can’t be. We’re on the last property already. This call is setting all sorts of records. Not only have I only talked twice, but I’ve only been called upon once and the call is ending 3 ½ hours early!

11:46am AT&T owns an eyesore of a building that I’m forced to stare at from my HUGE office windows. Unfortunately my windows are so HUGE that the outside world is thrust upon my face like everyone asking me to please advise them in every single work email since the beginning of my generic career. More on that later.

11:48am I hung up at the exact mark of 48:01. This is unreal. I forgot to ask, do you like guacamole?

Arch nemesis confrontation: He/She is taking things up a notch

2010-03-09T08:13:00.001-08:00

Really? You do this to me on THE most beautiful day in Dallas in the last 5 months? We go nearly 2 weeks without a sighting, possibly because it has been rainy and cloudy, and when that goes away you come in and try to make us feel like the dreariness never left. All I wanted to do was unload last night's meal of chicken, beans, milk steak, and gummy bears in peace but NO! Someone beat me to the shitting, and I wore it like a fecal freak while trying to find the desire to do my own business.

I will look for you. I will find you, and I will [insert violent verb] you.

My gym now offers community jizz cup

2010-03-08T13:32:00.001-08:00

Thank GOD. I have submitted complaint after complaint to gym management about the amount of semen covering the shower walls in my highfalutin gym. That just isn't acceptable in such a reputable establishment. I'm constantly having to take the morning after pill for fear of my feet getting impregnated. Imagine what I'd tell my foot-baby if it knew it was conceived in a locker room shower with an unknown father.

I'm glad my gym has made strides to stop this unfortunate trend of men raising fatherless foot-babies. Instead of getting your feet knocked up without consent you now have a choice in the matter. Want a foot-baby? Feel free to toe blast the ever living shit out of the community baby batter bowl!

note: Yes, that is an actual picture from the shower I used. No, I did not take a picture after donating some of my own delinquents.

My mother, the most insensitive gift giver, or, my mother, the giver of the most insensitive gifts

2010-03-05T10:56:00.001-08:00

Oh, Mother. What have you done? All I wanted was something to gently caress my blocked parmesan into fine, edible particles. I didn’t ask for something that would violate my cheese at will with zero regard for the word “no”. Unfortunately, upon receipt of the “gift” (I cringe each time I type that now) I had immediately put it away without really even looking at it. Now I think I know why Mother Dearest forced this upon me and my manpants.

Thankfully for you all, I re-discovered this gem last night as I was putting up a box of Cocoa Pebbles. Yes. That’s right. Cocoa Pebbles. Cocoa Krispies can suck a fat one. Seriously, that stuff doesn’t even make your milk do racially insensitive things. Anyway, I guess the word “RAPE” is a visual buzzword for me, because it was as if a spotlight and neon arrows were going off all at once. Regular rape is bad enough. Rape rotative takes the experience to a whole new level.

“LOOK AT ME! YOUR INSENSITIVE GIFT! USE ME OR I WILL USE YOU AGAINST YOUR WILL!”

I hope she wasn’t trying to send me a message. I have enough trouble sleeping as it is. Now, this item will be placed in a box with all of my other insensitive gifts: actual black skinned Michael Jackson doll, Josh Howard autographed basketball, three headed dildo (confuuuuusing!), KKK hood autographed by the Grand Dragon of Alabama himself, prison love letters between an inmate and my “dog”, and a framed picture from my high school prom.

I used to use her, but I had to kill her

2010-03-04T10:33:00.001-08:00

Meet my salt shaker, Salty McSaltsaltsalter. Two years ago I borrowed her from my building's cafeteria (at the time we only had one). I felt pretty rebellious, and thought I had started off my current career pretty well considering the borrowing of Salty McSaltsaltsalter occurred on my first day.

Well, contrary to what I posted below, this day has not been a good one. As I was salting my deliciously grilled red curried chicken and garlic kasmati, good ole Salty weezed out her last granule. Panic immediately set in. I've never had this happen to me before, because all other salt shakers I've owned have been like cats, or at least the perceived notion that cats have numerous lives (my car has proven this theory untrue, as has my laser beam eyes). Do I bring her back to the cafe and let them deal with it? Do I throw it in someone else's trashcan then call HR on that person?

I did neither. Mostly because the Cafe is no longer in existence and this is my responsibility. Not some hack closer's. I mean, one of them might actually put more lifeforce inside of her. UNACCEPTABLE

I did the only humane thing. I put that bitch down, or on blast. Whichever.

RIP Salty McSaltsaltsalter. 2008-2010

My morning is not rocking as hard as these guys

2010-03-04T06:09:00.001-08:00

Although, my morning has been pretty good so far. Why? Mr. Sun is no longer acting like a strip club. The heat will actually be tangible today. Weather talk is something I want to avoid at all times, but let's face it is something inescapable when you have 18 Facebook updates about fruit booting around downtown because of the sicky weather.

On that note, why do fruit booters (rollerbladers or "bladers") always skate with their shirts off? No one cares about your lactating nipples or dude sweat. Actually, do you all take your shirts off because you feel the "blades" take away from your manliness, and as such you must force feed your testosterone laden sweat upon our faces?

I can't wait to see all the urban Apollo Ohnos as I go riding this afternoon on the Katy Trail. Stay hard.

Gil LeBreton, a model idiot?

2010-03-03T11:07:00.001-08:00

Oh, Gil LeBreton. I'm used to reading extreme nazi and sports
comparisons from elsewhere in the country, but not from our own beloved Star Telegram. You, sir, are a special kind of ignorant.

"VANCOUVER, British Columbia -- After a spirited torch relay ignited pride in every corner of the country, the Olympic Games began and quickly galvanized the nation. Flags were everywhere. The country's national symbol hung from windows and was worn on nearly everyone's clothing. Fervent crowds cheered every victory by the host nation.

But enough about the 1936 Berlin Olympics."

Say what? I'm all for shock value, but how can you compare the host nation full of fruit loops and hockey players to one of (at that time) a people brainwashed into thinking genocide should be a medal event?

"One of the speakers at that Olympics used a phrase that lingers with me still: the family of man.

There is no earthly event that reinforces that notion as well as an Olympic Games. For all of the latter-day Games' inherent commercialism, that ideal persists. I truly believe that.

It persists, despite the overwhelming chauvinism of the past two weeks.

They showed us Canadian Games, all right. And in most cases, nothing but Canadian Games."

Yeah. Still not entirely sure why you're putting Canada on blast. God forbid the Canadians are allowed two freaking weeks to show the world how much they love their country. Let's face it: Canada has some glaring stereotypes and it seemed to me they were trying to show us there is more to them then Mounties, moose, and sickening friendliness. LeBreton goes on for awhile about America's performance in the games and highlights other "memorable" moments which the Canadians apparently glossed over. Then we get...

"China sold 6.8 million tickets to its 2008 Summer Olympics. Vancouver only made 1.6 million available. The Canadians wanted to "Own the Podium," but organizers made sure that they owned the grandstands at each venue as well."

The Summer Olympics also has around 3x as many events as the Winter Olympics. Just pointing that out. (UPDATE: h/t to Deadspin. 302 for Summer and 86 for Winter).

"I'm still mystified that Canada fans were able to grab what seemed to be 98 percent of the tickets at the hockey venue. Olympic crowds have always been more inclusive."

Gil, remember, Americans generally care so little about hockey that it is stuck on the smallest, most niche intensive sports network on TV: Versus. Also, hockey is Canada's sport. You seem to have acknowledged this already. I would be shocked if any less than 98% of the stands were filled with Canadians.

"One thing I never saw: a simple flag or shirt with the five Olympic rings. Not anywhere. After 15 Olympics, that was a first.

I didn't attend the '36 Olympics, but I've seen the pictures. Swastikas everywhere.

No political reference is meant, just an Olympic one. What on earth were the Canadians thinking?"

So, why did you just make a political reference? Such a pointless non-sequitur (redundant?). I'm not entirely sure what the relation is between a maple leaf and a swastika. Can someone link me to a wiki article please? I think Mr. LeBreton is suggesting Canada is about to become hate mongers and commit genocide.

Mr. LeBreton, what were YOU thinking?

"An Olympic host is supposed to welcome the world. This one was too busy being (their word) "patriotic."

"Now you know us, eh?" chief organizer Furlong said.

We thought we did two weeks ago. Now, I'm wondering if Canadians can even recognize themselves."

What if we didn't really know Canada until now? Gil, you seem upset that a few stereotypes have been shattered.

"Nice party. But so 1936."

Nothing insensitive in that statement. I think Mr. LeBreton's angst comes from the fact that Canada took America's Boner.

Circuses are fun for everyone, just not always at work

2010-03-03T08:41:00.000-08:00

My place of business is slowly turning into a circus. All cynicism aside, my lord and boss’ new management techniques are indeed helping to create a homogenous environment and people are truly having fun. Unfortunately, it is serving as a major nutshot to my day to day responsibilities and brainpan sanity.

I was originally hired on as a liaison (of sorts) to be onsite with a bank. My entire team, bosses included, were all located in California. I sat with the client and interacted with the client. Things changed, and I ended up getting put directly under one of my company’s onsite supervisors (which required me to move floors entirely) in a department that has nothing to do with me. Now I sit in an office with a bunch of people that have no idea what I do, and apparently don’t really care to learn. I’m okay with that, because they just use me as an object of sexual desire and deviancy.

Kidding.

…about the desire part.

They all assist said bank in closing properties. The jobs are incredibly important, but pretty simple overall. Not much brainpower or concentration is needed. The former may not even be required at all. Now, you all may think they are closer douchebags, but they aren’t. They just review and approve HUDs, which is a settlement statement that itemizes closing costs, commissions, etc. Easy stuff, and no cocaine is required. My job requires me to spend time on the phone with attorneys, figuring out best ways to resolve legal issues on properties, sitting on conference calls with my client, solving problems, and (now) writing for this blog. Let me make something clear: I do not make bookoo amounts of money and I am no more or less important in the scheme of things than the “team” I am currently attached to. As I have said previously I am a generic businessman. Okay, now that we have that clear…

Last Friday my boss decided to really trick things up. It all began with Music Fridays. He puts a jambox at the front of the office and lets people play their iPod on it. That sounds super cool, until you realize that some people have WEIRD tastes in music. It’s also loud and hard to explain to Atty. McHammerstein why I’m currently representing my client from a Chuck E. Cheese. It was so loud, and an impromptu dance off began. I’ll admit I was into that, but it still doesn’t help keep me away from OD’ing on adderall just so I can concentrate. Then we come in Monday to discover that some new FUN changes have been made:

1. My boss went from being a pretty good hands off dude, to all up in your face micro manager of his employees’ attitudes. There are now “CHOOSE YOUR ATTITUDE!” signs up in every room and orifice. Monday started by him going around forcing each employee to smile, and then asked “What mood did YOU choose this morning?!” He wouldn’t leave you alone until you smiled and fist pumped. I wish I was kidding. So, you really don’t have a choice for your attitude, in spite of what the signs around here tell us: You choose your attitude. He’s the fairy of fun and office atmosphere fellatio now.

2. Every time they close a file a cowbell is rung, and then someone hops on the phone intercom and says “Congrats [closing coordinator name]! on [team name]!!” Then everyone applauds and congratulates. It’s really, really loud. Did I mention they use a cowbell? The noisemaker will change weekly. They closed 988 properties last month. Do the math.

3. There are streamers hanging from the ceiling. These apparently exude good vibes, even though they make me feel like I’m at an 8 year old’s birthday party. I’m actually depressed when I leave the office because I don’t get a party bag. UNACCEPTABLE!

NOTE: streamers are real. Good vibes added since my camera did not pick them up.

I hope I’m not coming off as Uncle Scrooge. So far I’ve kept my complaints to myself and have been a good lemming, err employee, but then again my first conference call of the week is in 45 minutes. I’m a little nervous to see how they react to all the noise. You guys know how high and mighty some people get on conference calls, and my job is to keep my client happy. My job security revolves around that.

I’ve come up with a few ideas for upcoming sound makers. You know, just to show how much of a team player I am:

Duck call
Pistol with blanks
A woman being dilled
Mavs drumline
The most annoying sound in the world from Dumb and Dumber
Smeagol coughing
The girl from that GEICO commercial saying “Cuz I’m a pothooooolleeee”
Fart machine
Full mariachi band
Live version of Freebird. All 20 minutes of it. Every time.

Let’s put the workplace on blast.

Fun with press releases and knee jerkin with Hollinger

2010-03-03T06:51:00.001-08:00

Clippers o-fficial press release on Mexicans

I don’t have the faintest idea what is going on with this Clippers’ press release seeing as there is no Esparza on their team, but I figured I better go ahead and post this before it is taken down. Hilarious.

John Hollinger has long since been dallasbasketball.com’s Lex Luther. It’s somewhat funny since Hollinger will go out of his way to prove something by using stats, and db.com will continuously rebut by showing what super Mavericks’ homers they are . Naturally, ESPN’s J-Ho gets put on blast routinely over there. Here is one where the db.com guys make a somewhat valid argument (sorry about all the garbage posts, filter for yourself):

J-Holy v. DB.com

A good post by lonny23:

“Hollinger isn't all wet, but he has flaws:

1. I'm down with looking at schedule strength.
2. I'll buy recent play means more as far as where a team stands.
3. Go ahead and look at home-road disparity.
4. Margin of victory does help show how good a team is, but it's nowhere near what John thinks it is and here's why.
5. Some teams are front-runners and get huge wins, but they also fall apart when the going gets tough. That's people like your usual athletic freak teams and the Warriors with Nellie and early 00's Blazers.
6. He doesn't account for different team philosophies. For years, the Spurs would get big leads on the front half of back to backs and coast to end the game to try to save for the next game, but they almost always lose the back half.
7. Many times the winning teams only want to do enough to win the game and aren't looking for style points.
8. John, in no way, considers that Dallas wins close games because Carlisle is a good coach. His anomaly is Rick wins close games a lot more than Avery and Nellie did. This is the same guy that said Dallas wasn't a 67-15 team.
9. I'd rather go 58-24 and win by 3 points a game vs. going 50-32 and win by 4.5 points a game. Yeah, the bigger margin is a nice sign to how good a team is, but I'd rather win more games.”

In this entry, we look at a few of my double standards

2010-03-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

I've started compiling a list of things people do which annoy me tremendously, but I partake in as well. I'm not the only one like this, right? I assume this is normal:

Pop knuckles
Chew ice
Clip nails
Blog
Clear throat
Constant coughing
Breathe air
Pick nose
Eat chips (I have a rant about this which I'll get to later. No one eats chips politely (correctly)!)
Talk sports

What's your list look like? I'm sure I'll add to that as I think of more, or actually commit a new double standard.

Arch Nemesis Watch: Chew Talkers

2010-03-01T13:41:00.001-08:00

I work with a lady who is, by all accounts, a fantastic employee. She is personable, on top of her shit, and is very knowledgeable. Unfortunately, she is a chew talker. You know what I’m talking about: people who always sound like they are chewing on something when talking to you. That in and of itself is incredibly annoying, but this lady takes it to the next level. She is the casual cool chew talker, or the cashew talker (I just made that up FYI. You can wiki it later). When she calls and I answer, she will wait an extra second before talking just so she can insert in a dramatic swallow and lip smack, followed by “Hey, you. It’s [redacted]! What’s…*chew noise*…going on? *smack*”. You know how Charlton Heston and Captain James Tiberius Kirk are extreme pause talkers? Well, insert chewing and smacking noises during each dramatic pause. Yeah. That is this woman. With those two powers combined, my ass gets whipped. It is either feeding time around the clock for her, or she likes giant, amorphous globs of gum all wedged up in her dirty, decaying teeth.

Why do I say dirty and decaying when describing her teeth? Well, on top of all of that annoying shit I just described, she has extreme smoker’s voice. This woman apparently wants me to quit, because it’s so obnoxious I’ve had to start screening my calls from her. Yes, I know that isn’t very professional of me, but she always sends an email right after the phone call. I wouldn’t do that otherwise.

Yes I would. She gets two JaMarcus faces.

Nemesis Confrontation of the Lowest Order

2010-02-25T08:56:00.001-08:00

For most of my generic businessman life I have been stuck in a-typical, cubicle filled workplaces. They are generally quiet, and more often then not most noise is derived from the constant clicking of keys on the keyboard (I’ll get into my annoyance with this later). Mood and ambiance is generally derived from two places: coffee in the breakroom and the fluorescent lighting. I loathe the latter, and it is probably the main reason I’ve come to have this affair with the sun. I love it. To me, the sun embodies all that is not the workplace (at least for most of us white collar guys). It brings happiness and joy, and joy and happiness. It is a constant reminder that there is life outside of the 3 walls of my cube. The only thing keeping me from a sweet tan is a thin piece of glass. It’s a nice form of escapism for me, just like taking extended trips to the restroom and browsing the internet.

Now that we’re clear about my ongoing nooners with the Sun let me explain to you one of my major pet peeves in the workplace: the person that constantly closes the blinds. I fully realize that some people must close the blinds because of glare due to the positioning of their monitors, chairs, mirrors (in my case), etc. What I do not understand is why some guy keeps closing the blinds in the restroom. As I said earlier, the restroom is a nice place to escape. The 3 large windows in there overlooking Downtown and Uptown Dallas are a much added bonus. For the last 6 months or so, some unidentified super villain has been ruining my Zen and closes the blinds on a near daily basis. As such, this person has become a nemesis of mine. Sometimes they even hide the rod behind the blinds. Look, the open/close rod is not Waldo. It’s pretty freaking easy to find. No, it’s not maintenance. I’ve actually talked to them. What is the point of closing the blinds? Extreme stage fright? Selective agoraphobia? After extensive research (smelling the open/close rod on the blinds) I’ve reached no definitive conclusion. Small venetian blinds such as these have no major impact on temperature control. Nobody can see in. Frankly, it’s maddening and completely selfish on that person’s part (error: irony not found). There is no explanation other than this person is out to ruin my Secret Garden or he suffers from an extreme phobia of everything awesome and beautiful. Sure, it may take me 30 seconds to open all of the blinds, but have any of you done that while holding something very un-Christian like inside your bowels? Yeah. Thought so.

The sun and I are onto you, Venetian Villain. One day I will catch you. After it happens again today I will put up a sign with an arrow pointing to the rod saying “STOP TOUCHING ME THERE.”

FYI

2010-02-24T16:19:00.000-08:00

I like this picture. It's a good way to start this blog, because it pretty much sums up the look on my face at any given time during the day. From time spent at my desk doing my best impersonation of a generic businessman, to flexing my pecs in the gym, I hear and witness the most ridiculous conversations and scenes. Now, most people gloss over this stuff, but I'm ridiculously cynical and can find humor in the most painful of situations. I figured I would share my stories, random observations, and commentary. This is ever evolving, and really just a test to prove to my ex-wife that I can be dedicated to something. Holler, girl.